RUdSXA It is c.ood bye to Russiafs hopes of buying goods from America on the cui f, Uncle Sam has said to the Soviet: 1fNo more loans until you pay what you owe, tion.^ Or at least^ make some gestures in that direc- Thls information will be received with mixed feelings, A lot of business men thought it would be fine for Uncle Sam to finance Russia in the buying of American goods. Others viewed it with alarm, saying: nWhat sane business man would give credit to a customer who has repudiated his debts?11 At any rate, this announcement from the State Department is in line with Senator Hiram Johnson^ bill which has now passed the House of Representatives, It only needs the signature of the President to become law. That, you know, is the bill which forbids the extending of any loans to governments who have not paid their obligations in America. And it is going to cause a lot of gxxx grief in Europe! CONSULATE W-iTV^AsjX \jS The -kitei1 airy -ge3tr - auggoofeo somebody i n the A -&t<3t*4L Soviet Government of Russia an impish sense of € humor. Consider, for instance, the house which has been in America selected^for the Consulate-General of the Communist Republic, The ^oviet Consul-General has leased a residence in the most fashionable, expensive district of New York City, It Is a miniature palace, with thirty-three rooms, two elevators and a wide, handsome marble staircase leading to the recep- tion room. The new Russian Consulate-General used to be the resi­ dence of Mrs, Ruth Pratt, mlllionnaire ex-member of the House of Representatives, a dyed-in-the-wool, anti-Communist Repub­ lican. And there is a touch of waggery in the Doviet re If 7lS_ \jd, "t&JL £ ^0/ presentative.1 s choice of neighbours, AOne of them is the ** ultra-patrician Knickerbocker Club, another the Metropolitan annual club, the total/income of whose members would mount into millio CAM, you and I count. A INCOME TAX Let^ think for a moment about those income tax figures. 'I’hey tell a remarkable tale. Collections lor the month of March were almost sixty million dollars more than they were in March, nineteen thirty-three. 's. That quite a jump. But it is less than the Treasury expected. e: angle? Payments for incomes under five thousand a year How do you figure out t-ha^otre extraordinary Aw show a decrease of almost thirteen million dollars. BtiE But there is an increase of more than twenty million dollars on incomes of more than five thousand. The face of the returns appears to indicate that the benefits from the first nine months of the hoosevelt Administration have been spread mostly among the fairly well-to-do and the rich. ,n Of course, that is not the official interpretation, and Treasury officials are making closer investigations to find out what these figures actually mean. Maybe, after ali^ all the loud noises about income tax evasions, people with IHCOMK TAX - 2 mm --- i I large incomes are being more careful about their tax ^-gwtrunr returns* Maybe the little fellov/ is being less careful* Or the strange fact may be that the New Deal is helping the well-to-do, rather than the forgotten man. ^ ALICE More1s the pity that Alice Longworth sticks to her resolution not to become a candidate for Congress. She certainly would be a lively addition to any legislative body. Her caustic wit and sound mind would certainly pep up the debates. But, the lady is obdurate. Both in Columbus and in Cincinnati there were hosts of voters anxious to make a Senator out of Princess Alice. But her answer was wno.11 Washington is still talking about one of her recent feats of humor. Immediately after President Roosevelt had issued his order against gold hoarding, Alice Roosevelt Longworth appeared at one of the White House functions with the longest gold earrings she could procure. The entire color scheme of her costume was gold, and she crowded orjall the gold ornaments she could possibly wear, like a Hindu money-changer^ si wife. Some of the presidential followers were shocked. But Franklin £>. himself Just smiled the Roosevelt smile BRUUtiLO Mayor LaGuardia is governing the City of Kew York from Brooklyn today. For Brooklyn, across the bridge, is celebrating her birthday, the hundredth anniversary of the day when it first became a full-fledged city. Since that time, however, it has ceased to be a city. Xt*s a part of greater Hew York. So Brooklyn is celebrating the day on which it became what it has since ceased to be. And to get all of that straightened out — youfve got to go to Brooklyn ARMY DAY Today was the day to get your uniforms out of the moth balls and. send them to the cleaners or at least polish up the brass buttons. A telegram from General Cornelius Vanderbilt reminds me that tomorrow is Army Day. Big parades, demonstrations, meetings all over the country, with the full endorsement of the President. The big celebration in New York City will be on Saturday afternoon when fifteen thousand soldiers will march up Fifth Avenue. HAKVARD They*re breathing a deep breath of relief today at Harvard, fair Harvard. For the Twenty-fifth Anniversary Reunion of the Class of Nineteen Nine had threatened to bring about a lively battle. One member of the class of nineteen nine was a German, named Ernst Hanfstaengel. He was an exceedingly popular member of the class, in fact one of its big shots, big in more ways than one. He stood six feet four in his socks; he was on the crew, and was football cheer leader. He was a fine musician, could play the piano for any occasion and sing louder than anybody in the Universityi. Later on he ran his father’s art store on Fifth Avenue. He comes of one of the richest families of art dealers in Germany. Until the time the war broke out, Ernst Hanfstaengel was still exceedingly well liked. But he took the war very much to heart. So much so that well-to-do customers who went into his art store found themselves the target for a furious HARVARD - g scolding from ^anfstaengel because Woodrow Wilson would not push the country into war on the side of the Kaiser. So he quickly lost most of his American friends and went back to Germany. He became associated with Hitler. In fact he and Hitler between them wrote the Nazi marching song, ,’The German Storm.” This colorful but turbulent individual is now an important member of the Nazi press bureau. So you can imagine what a storm blew when it became known tht he had been invited to take part In th£ Harvard Reunion of the Class of Nineteen Nine. Jewish organizations declared it was an Insult to them. The Chief Marshall of the Reunion replied that Mr. Hanfstaengel had been invited because he was a Harvard graduate of that class and that there was no question of Insulting anybody; that, as a matter of fact, it would have been against the Harvard spirit of tolerance not to send him the invitation which was his due. Altogether a pretty row was in the offing. But if was settled by Herr Hanfstaengel himself, when he declined the invitation. FLOOD '4 I suppose every fair land has to have some defect and drawback — the old principal of the rose and the thorn. Our own Middle West is one of the richest blooming countries on the face of the globe, but it has its own kind of demon — the flood. Floods down in Oklahoma, the raging of the waters. Let's look at some of the flood stories that have come through. There is one told by a sixteen-year-old boy who relates how family was asleep in the house, a Mg family. It was storming. j&nd the noise of the storm was so loud they couldn't hear the flood waters coming. The waters hit the house* They shut the door, fried to toast hold the flood out. No use. They took refuge in the act±±gk attic. Then crash, the power£m flood swept the house from its foundations and the house drifted away, it drifted for half a mile, carrying the people inside with it. The father and the boys worked to get the mother and the girls onto the roof. In the darkness they could see each other only by the flashes of lightning FLOOD - 2 There was a rending shoclc. Like a ship crashing on the rocks^ the house hit an obstruction. And it fell apart. It broke to pieces. And the family on the roof was thrown into the waters. The boy tells how he managed to reach a nearby bridge, and he sobs that he doesn* t know what happened to his mother. Several of the family found refuge on the bridge. Some are missing. They may be found safe and sound. And let's hope they are — especially the boy’s mother. A flood story of lighter and tejEigkite brighter mood tells how a family of five rode down the raging waters of the Washita River, and never knew it. Willy Beene, his wife and three children were sound asleep srirwaww when the flood came. The first they knew was when the house tipped heavily to one side and the water came sloshing in. The water rose, Willy raised the bed and propped it up on chairs to keep it dry, and put the children on the bed. The house was rocking and pitching, but they hadn't any idea that it had turned FLOOD 1 5 into a houseboat. It was floating down the river. There was a jolt and Willy found that his house had run aground on the top of a hill a mile from where they had lived before. He put his children and his wife out on the hill and then climbed to safety himself. And these are the aftermath stories that are always told when the farces of Mature run wild. 4 MAPLE SYRUP Ha^ all you folks at the Maple Syrup Festival out there Chard on, Ohio^ How^ all the maple syrup? Sweet enough for you? How!s the big maple syrup contest and the other little contests of cow-milking, cow-calling, auctioneering, and the harmonica symphony? The editor of the Geauga County Republican tells me -- ^It’s a good time and a rSweet time at the Maple Syrup Carnival *'1 CHEESE (Must) X a3_fc0 stubbed my toe last night over a piece of cheese. ► stub today 1 received a communication from the Borden Company, saying in effect; "You Big Cheese — How dare you miscall an American cheese? Liederkranz is not a German cheese. . It is a New York cheese, It was invented — if you can use such a word about cheese — by an*” A apprentice cheese-maker in Monroe, New York. In fact, I am told that it is the only cheese originated in this eountry.,, I am informed that the principal objection to my mistake arises from the fact that Liederkranz is especially popular among Jewish people. And one ground for its popui; ,A at it is not A. made in Germany. Well, I bet I am the first man who ever UrtoQigcr-m: A cheese. Most cheese for themselves. UibULL The Samuel Insull dilemma is more perplexing tonight than ever. Uncle Sam doesn*% seem to want him. The United States Ambassador to the Turkish Republic has received no intructions whatsoever from the State Department. And now the Turks beginning to think they don!t want him either. The Turkish prosecutor has grave doubts whether the arrest of Insull was legal. That must be giving the Greeks a chuckle, because they’ve been portesting all along against the seizure of a prisoner from a Greek vessel. When the famous fugitive was taken to a hotel in istaaboul, he asked for a cheap room because be was broke. But how broke is a man who can wire to London for ten thousand dollars and get it by return mail? I can suggest one haven where the world’s most renowned refugee might go. It is the Island of Sark in the Channel Isl«|gjsfc®» There, neither the British government nor the American government, nor any other government can claim him. The Island of Sark is governed by the lady known in the peerage as the Dame of Sark. She is the last feudal ruler left in the British Empire. She I^bULL #£ governs the six hundred and thirty-five inhabitants of her little island with a private army of forty and a police force of one. She allows neither automobiles nor divorces. She owes no allegiance to the British Parliament. She governs her island under a charter from Queen Elizabeth, Though she acknowledges King George, it is not as King of England. It is as Duke of Normandy. When it was suggested to the Dame of Sark that she could make some easy money by offering Samuel Insull a sanctuary, she declined indignantly. At the same time, she said: n0f course if he does come to the island, he will be quite safe with me. Nobody could molest him." PRESIDENT I got several telephone calls from news'oapers today — asking questions;- «Vshat have you got to say about it? What are you going to do about what you said last night concerning the the ^resident and the fishing?" Well I suppose ^'11 have to go to Greece, where they — — fiCJ- 3aJ*44.«. have so much trouble extraditing people^ hut X guess I* 1!! have ^ b&toKf company* S op Elliott Roosevelt, the.President*s son S&gSfc. ft* Ai fun gazing at the Acropolis* Later on a wireless message came through and was signed by Seaman Gray, the fishing pilot of the Mourmahal, who is showing the President where the fish-are* Here*s what fish-pilot Gray*s mess age said: "How do you get that way? The President has hooked and landed almost double our individual average*" With that I sat down and meditated on the fact that all I had done last night was to quote Elliott Roosevelt, who declared, , as was printed far and wide — that the President hadn,t caught a f i sh. onn to Greece with me* We could have a'jlot of Later in the day I learned that another wireless had come through, this one released by Colonel Marvin MacIntyre, from the^^ms^f White House^,^: Miami^ According to thisy Elliott Roosevelt stands accused of libel. It appears that the President and his fellow fishermen were listening to this broadcast last night x? and heard me relate what Mr. Roosevelt calls: nElliott% libel about my fishing1’, and the ^resident gave orders to appoint a special committee of investigation and force the guilty parties to make suitable retraction. Well, history tells of a king of Naples whom his Neapolitan subjects called, king big nose, until a law was passed forbidding anybody to mention the royal nose,knd^ right now^in Austria,it is forbidden to make jokes about the shorty, sawed-off stature of Dictator Dolfuss. And maybe years from now there’ll be an old fellow languishing in a dungeon, and the turnkeys will explain to visitor's: He’s the man who said the President didn’t catch any fish. °o 1 * 11 make my retraction right now. The President has caught fish, thousands of them. The newspapers today relate that Mr. Roosevelt has jusl^Q-tmg^t. a big battling game fish, a Marlin. . ... PRESIDEDT 7T5 But IT11 go further than that^ I111 say that the President caught a twenty ton Moby Dick Cachalot Sperm Whale, and strangled it with his own hands — and SO LOftG UNTIL TO-MORROW